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Tuesday, 28 February 2012

PLAY TO WIN

The unravelling continues. The small joys permeate my spiritually abundant existence. I even embrace my insomnia because now I am reading truly inspirational texts in the half-light, having memorised the most delicious recipes, and cleared and defragged my laptop of all ties to my protracted corporate confinement. Interesting to find that as I transposed my contacts list, whom I wanted to keep and whom I wished well and deeply into the Recycle Bin, that they may resurrect as new beings who know how to treat people and with a reinforced backbone to take on opponents their own size. I know, not very all-worldly EQ, but in my defense I did say I am on a journey of discovery, not bloody perfect!


Almost as sexy as hindsight is the Clarity of Distance. You know that after-the-rains and post-divorce 50% + the kids feeling??? Well, then you're in it. That's the clarity of distance, and it comes about in the most remarkable ways. Not unlike the very sexy milkman on Tuesdays ...alas, in Wonderland, I digress ...
It comes about when you stand outside yourself and your pre-programmedness, and see the wood for the trees. And you can seperate the men from the boys (why bother I ask) and the corn from the chaff and all that. It's like falling out of love or Coming into your Own, understanding why some relationships are toxic or how blonde does not look great on everyone. And as long as we stay too close to something, or if we've done it on autopilot for too long, we miss the detail.


So signing on dotted lines and clearing Outlook folders have brought about that clarity. I just see all the nonsense and the pointlessness and the fear that seeps in through the cover-your-arse emails and the aligning with dark forces to stay in the running, and the almost violent selectiveness to feedback. Invisible shields worn to meetings, and the politically correct over-utilisation of the BCC function.
Say what you mean and deal with the consequences helps a great deal into the future, but it requires a certain platform or cultural evolution.


I am instead plying my trade on the domestic landscape.


Unable to afford a helper or handyman, I have taken to help myself and be darned handy while I'm at it. It was only when I was standing with an axe and a hammer in the garden that I realised how far I had come. Physically and mentally, I was exploring new territory. The overgrown lawn was not going to get the better of me. My life is as a blade of grass, and in any second, the latter part of this one included, could be over. So no point really in allowing just anyone to speak into it and try and determine my path. Not even with the best intentions could anyone account for my decisions and actions, and on comes the surge of freedom, as I stand to be counted. In front of my newly defrosted (with a blowdryer) fridge, but counted all the same.


Having abandoned Corporate Confinement, I am fully into Joy & Bliss Reloaded. Game on!

Monday, 27 February 2012

A NEWFOUND FREEDOM

It has been such a long time since I visited here - this site or indeed this mental space I have achieved over the past few months.
I have fought hard for my freedom, and in the process lost and won a few hearts. Never needing to be popular, I have seen myself and my series of life choices in a whole new light.
Having decided to leave my job which was getting me absolutely NOWHERE on so many levels, I served a protracted four month notice. I didn't realise how crazy that idea was until I sat on New Year's Day with only one resolution: To Get Out and in one piece if at all possible. Now, with one and a half days to go, I am inspired. And divinely and abundantly favoured. I have no job to go to this week, but I have clarity of vision and am inspired by the simple things once more.

I derive immense joy from domestic chores and have taken gardening to a new level. Am even prepared to display some level of discipline as I learn to bake (which requires exact measurements and taste-testing). Cupcakes and cheesecake lie before me in the manner of liberating nutrition. Finding the pantry near-empty the other day was a wake-up call. There was so much cleaning and straightening I could do, and when I fill it again, may it be with healthy things that I actually enjoy, not prescriptions from a magazine or some lame ex's snack wish-list.

Starting over is such a powerful thing. And while all my friends and family, God bless them, are having sleepless nights about my unemployment, I feel I am doing what most people dream their whole lives of doing. Taking the plunge, living on the edge because I know it is the gateway to what I deserve. My coach always talks about the fact that most people live lives of quiet desperation, and in honour to God who created me perfect and for greatness, I will live a true, authentic life.

It's not even about the immaturity and the drama and the politics and the brown-nosing to get to the top of the rickety corporate ladder that so freaked me out. It's about being OK with standing alone and being accountable for my decisions in every moment, every time.
I was torn between being the "better person" and just walking away. The former being too hard from too many iterations of the same BS, I opted for walking away slowly. A four month walk to freedom to be exact. It is hair-raising that almost immediate surge when I think of how much I CAN NO LONGER BE A PART OF THIS WORLD. Eyelashes, gel fix and good Brazilian extensions constitute my allowance for sexy fake. Nothing else allowed.

The following are immediately and absolutely excluded:
1. Demons parading as people-centred humans
2. Glory Hounds with no personality and original ideas about what needs to be done
3. Name droppers who thereby have a false sense of security. When the friends are disbarred,
    dismantled will be their careers
4. No clue parading as EQ
5. Carbs with a revenge agenda

How did it all come about?
Like all good things that count, it was an insidious process. Small seeds (weeds) planted. Little niggly things in the  background suddenly blocking my vision and my peace. And no, I speak not of a well-hung lover. Just a more discerning eye and seperating the needed from the flushables. And in clearing the forest of my discontent, I realised that uprooting would be needed. And it met with a myriad of things ranging from the anxious to the manipulative, but that surge propelled me forward each time. And when the nausea of uncertainty subsided, the freedom flux came through. My resolve became stronger and my purpose clearer ...

It became almost too easy to ignore the whispers of fake and fear, and to listen to the voice of Faith and Fortune. Because I know with a death-defying certainty that everything is as it should be and God will never let me down. It's just not how He rolls ...