It has been such a long time since I visited here - this site or indeed this mental space I have achieved over the past few months.
I have fought hard for my freedom, and in the process lost and won a few hearts. Never needing to be popular, I have seen myself and my series of life choices in a whole new light.
Having decided to leave my job which was getting me absolutely NOWHERE on so many levels, I served a protracted four month notice. I didn't realise how crazy that idea was until I sat on New Year's Day with only one resolution: To Get Out and in one piece if at all possible. Now, with one and a half days to go, I am inspired. And divinely and abundantly favoured. I have no job to go to this week, but I have clarity of vision and am inspired by the simple things once more.
I derive immense joy from domestic chores and have taken gardening to a new level. Am even prepared to display some level of discipline as I learn to bake (which requires exact measurements and taste-testing). Cupcakes and cheesecake lie before me in the manner of liberating nutrition. Finding the pantry near-empty the other day was a wake-up call. There was so much cleaning and straightening I could do, and when I fill it again, may it be with healthy things that I actually enjoy, not prescriptions from a magazine or some lame ex's snack wish-list.
Starting over is such a powerful thing. And while all my friends and family, God bless them, are having sleepless nights about my unemployment, I feel I am doing what most people dream their whole lives of doing. Taking the plunge, living on the edge because I know it is the gateway to what I deserve. My coach always talks about the fact that most people live lives of quiet desperation, and in honour to God who created me perfect and for greatness, I will live a true, authentic life.
It's not even about the immaturity and the drama and the politics and the brown-nosing to get to the top of the rickety corporate ladder that so freaked me out. It's about being OK with standing alone and being accountable for my decisions in every moment, every time.
I was torn between being the "better person" and just walking away. The former being too hard from too many iterations of the same BS, I opted for walking away slowly. A four month walk to freedom to be exact. It is hair-raising that almost immediate surge when I think of how much I CAN NO LONGER BE A PART OF THIS WORLD. Eyelashes, gel fix and good Brazilian extensions constitute my allowance for sexy fake. Nothing else allowed.
The following are immediately and absolutely excluded:
1. Demons parading as people-centred humans
2. Glory Hounds with no personality and original ideas about what needs to be done
3. Name droppers who thereby have a false sense of security. When the friends are disbarred,
dismantled will be their careers
4. No clue parading as EQ
5. Carbs with a revenge agenda
How did it all come about?
Like all good things that count, it was an insidious process. Small seeds (weeds) planted. Little niggly things in the background suddenly blocking my vision and my peace. And no, I speak not of a well-hung lover. Just a more discerning eye and seperating the needed from the flushables. And in clearing the forest of my discontent, I realised that uprooting would be needed. And it met with a myriad of things ranging from the anxious to the manipulative, but that surge propelled me forward each time. And when the nausea of uncertainty subsided, the freedom flux came through. My resolve became stronger and my purpose clearer ...
It became almost too easy to ignore the whispers of fake and fear, and to listen to the voice of Faith and Fortune. Because I know with a death-defying certainty that everything is as it should be and God will never let me down. It's just not how He rolls ...